Tofu Nation

The problem with having two young kids is that you never leave the house.

Or you do, but you need to start prepping at 11 am to get somewhere by 5 pm. You heard me.

5 am: Scream! Wake up. Diaper, feed, diaper, eat breakfast, play, potty break, read a book, diaper, feed, try to put No. 2 to sleep, but No. 1 won’t stop singing, yell at someone, diaper, feed, play.

11 am: Quick, there’s a lull in the singing and crying. Season the piece of pork and stick it into the oven to cook.

11:05 am: Someone’s crying. What is it this time?

11:10 am: Stick No. 1 in front of computer. Feed No. 2, try to put her to sleep yet again. SLEEP! SUCCESS! QUIET! EVERYONE, NO BREATHING!

12 pm: Meat’s ready. Take it out to cool. Heck it, No. 1 is still watching something on the computer but UNLESS THOSE PEOPLE WHO DO STUDIES HAVE TWO YOUNG KIDS IN THEIR OWN HOUSE, I SAY SCREW THE DAMN STUDIES. I’ll let my kid watch a little telly, thank you very much. I need to use the bathroom. Oh is that No. 2 crying?

12:03 pm: Repeat cycle: Diaper, feed, play. Get No. 1 off the computer. Amuse two young girls with toys, songs, games, and every sad trick your Masters-educated ass can muster. I went to school for THIS?

2:30 pm: Quickly! Again! They are distracted. Put No. 2 down in a safe place. No. 1 is humming to herself! Time to pack the diaper bag. Grab extra diapers, clothes, underwear for No.1, snacks for No.1, formula, bottles, water for making milk, snacks for No. 2. Consider designing a diaper bag with a side pocket to conceal small liquor bottles.

2:37 pm: Gosh, do these beings ever need to rest?

3:21 pm: Another break! Time to carve the meat, pack the sandwiches and drinks for me and Jay.

3:30 pm: Last check! Does everyone have clothes on? Oops, I need to brush my teeth. “Ruby! Go potty!” No. 2 needs a diaper change. Strap No. 2 in car seat. “Ruby! Put your shoes on! NOW!”

4 pm: I open my front door for the first time in the day. We are out of the house.

4:10 pm: “Ruby! Ruby! Get in the car! Ruby! Where are you going?” Put No. 2, diaper bag, and prepared dinner in the car. “Ruby! Come over here now!” Finally strap No. 1 in the car seat. Drive to Design Commission Gallery for First Thursday Art Opening.

4:30 pm: Park car. Unload everything.

4:45 pm: I make it with 15 minutes to spare.

That, my friends, is an owl. On a branch.

Ruby drew that in art class.

The way art classes for the under-10 work is that the kids are coached to reproduce what is on the blackboard. I think the idea is to teach shapes and copying so they understand how to draw something.

Ruby was not a good copier.

I think that bodes well for her art career.

I am currently engaged in a battle of wills with the Mighty Maxine.

She does not want to sleep on her bed. She does not want to sleep in my bed. She does not want to sleep in the carseat. She does not want to sleep anywhere.

Except in my arms.

Except I need my arms.

So now, we are entering Hour 2 of Experiment Sleep By Yourself and she is still crying.

What do I do? What do I do? WHAT DO I DO?

I blog about the Will of the Mighty M while fighting the urge to run up, pick her up, kiss her little noggin, and rock her to sleep in my arms.

SOB.