We didn’t pay the extra $3 for the dino-tronics display at the zoo.
Monthly Archive for May, 2011
Parents are on the frontlines every day, and like eager recruits who enter Parenthood with wide-eyed innocence, we invariably end up weary veterans who can execute battle maneuvers at the drop of a sippy cup.
One more thing. In our world, a meltdown has pretty much the same impact as a nuclear one.
Also, I deserve every single one of these awards. So start applauding.
Distinguished Service Award of the Ear
Awarded to Dot on the occasion of mastering the art of selective hearing while driving 70 miles an hour on Highway 520 for half an hour while Maxine cries and Ruby yells non-stop “Please get her to stop crying, mom!” before launching into her own piercing cries.
Legion of Messy Deals with the Devil Medal
Awarded to Dot for knowing when to lose a battle to win the war. Compromise? Don’t waste your time. Sometimes, parenting means taking a hit to live to the next battle. No bath, a “wipe down” just so I can sleep the extra half an hour. Mess in the house all the time rather than no mess, which lasts shorter than the time it takes to clean up. A cookie if she eats her vegetables. Why, yes, a $19 Disney necklace so you will shut the hell up in public and I can drag our sorry asses plus your wailing baby sister’s out of the store.
Mad Ale of Honor
Awarded for opening that bottle of beer under enemy crier.
Mathematical Order of the Purple Heart
For forever screwing up your child’s understanding of time. For yelling, “Give me one second, Ruby (or Maxine)!” while taking a lot more than one second to tend to Maxine (or Ruby), or sneak a bite of food, or pee, or any and everything else I need to do to NOT collapse into a quivering, sobbing mass of low blood sugared human flesh. Also, that “Five More Minutes” countdown at the playground? I totally cheat. More like two. As always, earned while one or more kids is crying. By the way, there is always crying in the background. It’s kinda my theme song.
Armed Family Forces Reserve Medal – Home Corp Version
Awarded to any member of the extended family who willingly subjects themselves to “babysitting” said kid specimens.
P/S I have often been told by other people how wonderful my kids are. I believe kids save their best tactical maneuvers for their parents.
You haven’t lived life until you are editing a technical case study with your left pointer finger, while balancing a poopy baby with your right arm as she’s sucking your boob. You believe your three-year-old is somewhere in the house, but you haven’t heard a peep for at least two minutes. Hang on, is the front door locked? The last time that happened, oops, permanent marker on the wall. But hey, at least the hyphens are in the right place.
Oh, the sweet, sweet, smell of success.
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