Now, If Only She Finds Vacuuming As Exciting At 16

Internet: Is it true you are wiser when you turn older?
Dot: Old people say that to make young people listen to them. So yes, I am right. From today, I am just more right than I was yesterday. Jay, Ruby, and Max, listen up.

Internet: What is the hardest thing about staying home with two kids?
Dot: There is no hardest thing because there is no easy thing.

Internet: How long can a new mom go without a shower?
Dot: Three days, or until strangers feel compelled to tell you that you smell of curdled milk. Whichever comes first.

Internet: Can a person cough her brains out?
Dot: Only if you are a sick, postpartum, mother of a newborn that the gods have chosen to enjoy this fate.

Internet: How can you tell your newborn is ready for her nap?
Dot: The Dead Arm Test. If the infant’s arm can be easily manipulated, you are golden! If there is any resistance at all, transfer infant AT YOUR OWN RISK!

Internet: Hey, is that your newborn with an unsupported head in the photo? What kind of a parent are you?
Dot: Yes. Call the DSHS.

Internet: When do you find time to cook, clean, or do laundry?
Dot: I have been waiting to pee since February 1.

Internet: What steps are you taking to lose that post-delivery weight?
Dot: I repeat, I am working hard to maintain my pregnancy diet of cookies and cake.

Internet: How does your perfect birthday day look like?
Dot: As long as it doesn’t involve waking up to a household of sick kids and spouse, laundry, dirty floors, diaper shortage, and multiple coughing fits; the day will be perfect. Throw in good sushi and a surprise present and my day will be sublime.

Internet: When both kids are crying, who do you attend to first?
Dot: This is a trick question, right? The answer is 42.