This Is A Tour Of My Home. Right Now.

I don’t believe in any of the homes I read about in interior magazines, architectural magazines, or design magazines. Or, for that matter, any “Habitat Profiles” in newspapers.

You know why?

NO ONE LIVES IN THOSE HOMES!

There is no way that people live without stuff lying around, without a dustball in sight, without a shred of human evidence! I think there’s a conspiracy. The home owners have TWO houses – one for the glossy magazine shoot, and one they actually live in.

It is not accurate to show a home devoid of the very basic thing that makes it a home – life.

So I’ve decided that it’s only fair I show you an honest-to-goodness lived-in 700-sq-ft bungalow house occupied by two adults and one toddler.

When you enter our home, you will most likely trip over a shoe or two. Sorry about that.

Next, your eyes will immediately be assaulted by Jay’s and my workstations on our former dining table. We used to try to eat on the end not occupied by our computers, but as a casualty of day-to-day living, we’ve transformed that usable space into a dumping ground for whatever we’re doing at any time of the day, or whatever we happen to be carrying as we walk through our front door. For the record, this drives Jay crazy.

Look left and what was once our living room is now merely referred to as “Ruby’s Play Area.” It is not a pretty sight. A clean living room lasts about 10 seconds, the amount of time it takes Ruby to run into her room and pick out a new toy to play with.

This is Ruby’s Big Girl Bed. Not bad, you think, until you see…

…this. Her closet.

Our kitchen is the size of many of your bathrooms. (This is no excuse, but I wanted to point that out.) Yes, the counter is full of crap. Yes, Ruby has many toys. Yes, I eat a lot of cookies, and there is no room to open that microwave door. Yes, those are dirty dishes and I sometimes wish I had a dishwasher.

This narrow passageway to our backdoor serves as a mini laundry room. Jay’s piece de resistance of organization is right here. Boxes and boxes meticulously labeled, with random objects such as stamps, hair clips, tape, etc, all nicely squared away.

There is always unwashed laundry in my house. If you open that dryer, there is probably a load of unfolded laundry. Clothes happen. Those fancy schmancy homes? They have housekeepers. Or maybe they don’t change clothes. As a G-rated blog, I’ve made one edit. You don’t need to know I have something personal drying on that rack.

There is soap scum on my shower curtain. Don’t hate.

This is part of my floor. Duct tape is the answer to everything.

You’re probably thinking, “How in blazes do they live like that?” right after you think, “Damn, that Dot sure is one messy person!”*

Look, I’m just being honest here. If no one was visiting, this is what my home looks like 90 percent of the time. I’m betting there are others out there whose homes look a little like mine. So ‘fess up.

This is a real home. Shouldn’t there be a magazine catering to readers like me who appreciate a neighborly snoop into other people’s homes? We can call it “Surprise Habitat Profile.” I don’t care if you have unfinished laundry on top of that high-end Samsung washing machine or your kid’s naked doll and all her accessories are sprawled on your Eames lounge chair.

Because that’s the truth.

Don’t let your $80-an-hour housekeeper tell you otherwise.

*Please note that this is mostly Dot’s doing. Jay tries very hard to keep this place clean but he’s up against the tsunami of messiness that is me and Ruby.