How To Be Pregnant in Singapore

First off, lucky you. All your food cravings can be met, however silly they are. Want to eat zhai mai fun every morning in your second trimester? God said, “Let there be vegetarian noodles.” And there was. In Telok Blangah Crescent. Three bus stops from your home.

If you’re feeling hot and heavy already, well, good luck with that. Extreme heat and humidity a pleasant pregnancy do not make. Hence, it may be a good idea to shower constantly or sit in front of the fan. (Which really messes with the Go Forth And Satisfy Food Craving objective.)

Walk everywhere like you’re a defensive tackle. This is because there is simply too many people everywhere, from the malls to the train stations to the hawker centers. Stake your personal space early with an arm around your belly and another outstretched as you weave through the crowds.

Hawker food tastes awesome for a reason: Salt. It may take a few days for your ang-moh-tized body to get used to the hawker food. Meanwhile, watch your ankles swell to twice their size from water retention. So drink lots of water, sit down, and elevate your feet often.

Be totally ballsy about sticking your belly out on trains and buses. This is the only way to counter the sudden onset of sleep condition known as iseeapregnantladycomingmywaysoibetterlookasleepinordertokeepmyseat. If that fails, sorry, Singaporeans are not known to be a civil people. You’re standing for the next 20 minutes.

Milk all the pregnancy sympathy you can get and have your friends and family cater to every single one of your food cravings. It matters that you fly home once a year to enjoy the food, and so it follows that it matters even more now that a (pregnant) you comes home to enjoy the food and feed the One-Mouthed Crave Monster.

Be prepared to hover. Ahem, ladies, you know what I’m talking about. Peeing in public bathrooms in Singapore is not necessarily the World-Class Experience you expect from a First-World/Third-World country. Throw in the fact you’re a pregnant, peeing lady, you better plan your sugar cane juice intakes carefully. And within waddling distance from a semi-acceptable receptacle.

Finally, it’s a beautiful thing to be eating for two when you’re in Singapore. You can’t avoid food even if you tried. Unlike Seattle, you’ll trip over savory options every 10 paces or so, available till late. Don’t screw it up. Pace yourself. You have a champion’s race to finish.

And er, in case I failed to mention earlier, I am with child. She is a hungry one. And as far as I can tell, going to fly here when she’s one to eat her own zhai mai fun.