Holiday Party Etiquette: By The Ruby D. Institute (Trademarked)

Greetings, Gentle Readers, and welcome to the Ruby D. Institute’s Annual Holiday Party Etiquette Post.

I shall magnanimously use my performance at my handler’s Company Party to illustrate many of my etiquette lessons.

Lesson Number 1: Always make sure that you and your handlers are dressed in holiday colors. No exceptions.

As you can see, I get bonus points for matching the host’s carpet.

Lesson Number 2: Despite meeting eligible bachelors at the party, never, and I mean never give out your phone number to a member of the opposite sex, even if he is as cute as Ollie. Plus, no hitting on younger men.

Lesson Number 3: Never allow the cameras to capture your back.

Lesson Number 4: Always compliment the chef. And even if you did not try his roast lamb, make it a point to applaud Parker’s holiday vest. That was a rather bold fashion move.

Lesson Number 5: When faced with the over-indulgent choices of the holidays, nibble. It helps to have a small mouth.

Lesson Number 6: Do not pick random fuzz off the floor and put into your mouth.

In a house with two cats, that is most probably not lint.

Lesson Number 7: When the holiday gifts have been given out, and your handler receives a Flip video camera, you are permitted to play with the plastic wrapping. (And look a mite surprised that no one gave you that Giant Box of Cheerios that you secretly wanted for Christmas.)

Lesson Number 8: This is perhaps the most important holiday etiquette tip you will hear this season, so listen very carefully. I will say this only once.

Do NOT do whatever the hell it is I am doing in this photo.

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Thank you, and check back next year for my revised edition.