Monthly Archive for May, 2008

For the record, we are not enablers, more like parents with a camera phone who really, really like to amass a collection of incriminating photos so that when Ruby’s 16 and like, “Hey mom and dad, can I try a beer?”

We’d be like, “Nope. Remember this? You don’t, but we do. We put you in rehab at 3 months old. This is for your own good.”

P/S The wine bottles were that small. I mean, anything with a twist-off cap is just inviting little hands to partake of the goodness within.

The only thing that can make this shirt better is a pocket protector.

Who doesn’t want to hire this professionally-dressed Little Person? I mean, she’s on her way to CEO-dom!

Now, if only it came in adult sizes…

Do not adjust your screen. This is not a distortion.

Yup, that is Ruby, in all her triple-chinness.

As Rube the Cube fills out her square dimensions like some Cubist painting, I am finding it increasingly hard to carry the (not so) little one around the house.

Unfortunately, that is exactly what Ruby has been demanding these days. The Carry and Jiggle Move does nothing to calm her nightly Nuclear Meltdowns — I use both words in all their seriousity — but at least it makes her parents feel like they’re doing something.

The result? I am left with a very sore right arm. This problem can only get worse as the Cube goes on to fulfill her genetically predetermined Baby Mass Index.

So the next time you see me and notice my right arm bulging disproportionately to my weak-assed left arm, I want you to tell me how good I look.

Yes, above the nuclear-crying din and in spite of my exhausted, aged face, PLEASE, tell me how good I look.

Since Rube the Cube entered my life, I have had to make a painful adjustment.

For food-crazed Dot, that means fine dining restaurants are now out of the question. When we do go out, my new eating routine is Fast, Faster, Fasterer!

I have developed and honed that rare talent bestowed on all new moms known as the One Minute Chew. Put any meal in front of me and I will finish it in under 60 seconds.

I will not be polite, I will not chat, I will not wait for other people’s food to arrive, I will not chew with my mouth closed. It’s all Dots for themselves at this point.

Because (a) I never know when the Cube will wake up and fuss; (b) I never know when the Cube will wake up and fuss; (c) I never know when the Cube will wake up and fuss; (d) All of the above. Don’t forget to triple the pain for fussing in a Public Place.

It’s like holding your breath and watching a clock for an alarm you don’t remember setting, for a time you have no idea about, expecting to hear an extremely annoying ring that doesn’t turn off.

And oh, there’s no sleep button on this clock.