Monthly Archive for April, 2008

Do babies think?

What do they think? Of us?

I’m pretty sure Ruby thinks I don’t know her name. I call her Ruby Poo, Rubester, Rubes, and everything else that is not Ruby.

Aside from that, I believe babies think that we think that they don’t think, and that’s why we talk like idiots to them. Why are grown-ups compelled to break into silly-speak every time they see a little person?

That’s why I try very hard to treat her like another person in the room. Only, she’s not.

So between chatting about what’s happening in the world, I also point out and enunciate the name of every object in the room.

“How do you think Obama did in the debate? Oh look, a blue wall. B-luue. Wa-aall.”

She must think I have attention deficit disorder. Or at least that’s what I think. She thinks.

Parents, parents-to-be, bath takers all over the world: Abandon hope, all ye who enter (into a bathing contract with a newborn).

For the record, I love bath time.

As a matter of fact, I thought we’ve gotten the sequence down. Ruby has two tubs — to save time! — one for “soaping” and the other for “rinsing.”

One night, after “soaping,” we put her in the “rinse” cycle. She was almost done, until she peed and pooped into the water.

HOLY YELLOW FLOATERS!

Jay changed the water in the other tub so I could rinse her again. I transferred Ruby into the new tub and started re-rinsing her.

At this point, inspired by the Gods of Comedic Timing, Ruby peed and pooped, again. This time, there was no mistaking.

“Jay, get me a new tub of water! Should I soap her again then?”

“She pooped, right?”

Into a new NEW tub of water Ruby went, and she was soaped again. Jay refilled the OTHER tub for her third rinse.

Two tubs, five refills, two soapings, three rinses.

By this time, I knew better than to linger. Needless to say, Ruby was extremely clean that night.

Of course, I later found out Jay threw the bath water into the kitchen sink.

But of course.

(1) Milk’s the only thing on the menu. And it never comes fast enough.

(2) I have no control over my outfits. Witness the pink on pink disaster above.

(3) Everyone coos. Enough already.

(4) Unfortunately, no one around me speaks “cry.”

(5) Hiccups DO irritate me.

(6) How would you like it if someone threw you over their shoulder to burp you?

(7) I always lose a shoe.

(8) No one makes baby clothes in gray.

(9) Car seats suck.

(10) Diaper rash. (And diaper butt crack).

I’m not a phone caller.

I’m not much of an emailer.

And I suck as a keeper-in-toucher.

I love my family and friends (and I hope they love me back) but I do badly at keeping in touch. You know, calls, cards, emails and stuff?

Now that I have a lot less time to myself — that is, I have a grand total of 42 minutes a day to take a shower, eat, expel unwanted bodily products, go online, blog, AND keep in touch — I find myself addicted to the Status Updates on Facebook.

Because in between cycles of pooping, feeding, diapering, and burping (not me, HER), I get to find out exactly what every one of my friends is up to.

Thank you, Facebook!

Most of the updates range from the mundane (…is making blueberry pancakes…) to the poignant (…sighs…), although the occasionally obscure (…is saying “Eva, I’m sorry, but you will never have me…”) demands some deciphering.

Apologies to everyone I don’t email enough, please know that like a lurker, I am in the Facebook shadows following your every move.

If you want to lurk back…

Dorothy wonders what a drink of blended Krispy Kremes tastes like.

Disclaimer: Old Photo Alert!

Citizens of Ruby Nation,

As ruler of this new nation, I wish to inform you that even though I look like an infant with no leadership experience, I am actually a grouchy old politico underneath all this baby fat, and damn it, adorable to boot.

My Carer-in-Chief has informed me that the daytime television she has to endure is made up of reality shows, talk shows, reruns of reality shows, and reruns of reruns of reality shows.

I hereby decree that everyone out there stop taking part in reality shows.

The Ruby Abides.