Monthly Archive for March, 2007

I get to work early. Most days, I am even the first person on the floor.

This means I get to be the first person to use the women’s bathroom.

I know I am the first person because the seat is always up, and the roll of toilet paper is always new.

New. As in “You Need To Do That Awkward Peeling With Your Fingers To Get It Started” new.

Thing is, I KNOW the roll never gets used up in the day. There’s always a bit left over.

What I want to know is what happens to all those half-used toilet paper rolls.

Is there a stack of these lying in the janitor’s closet? Is someone sitting in a sweatshop rolling all the leftovers into a faux new roll by glueing the ends? Do the half rolls go to Toilet Paper Heaven?

I want to know.

This is not a joke.

I’m really asking the question.

I’ve spent the last few days unpacking.

And unpacking.

If you—like us—subscribe to the Trash Bag Method of Moving, that is, everything goes in a trash bag, then unpacking is a bitch.

Because all trash bags look alike. Especially when they are not labeled.

But you don’t care, do you? You are asking, “Why is there a big old glass bottle photo in your post today, Dot?”

Well, let me tell you a story.

I was convinced the toilet bowl needed replacing. It was flushing slow, it was flushing UP. We did the Drano, the Toilet Snake (don’t ask), the “Let’s Go Somewhere Else To Do Number 2″ routine.

Then Jay lifted the tank cover.

GUESS WTF WE FOUND IN THE TANK?

Some well-meaning water-saving GENIUS placed this BIG ASS bottle of WATER in the tank to save water, a method Jay is convinced was implemented in the 80s.

“And no one dared to lift the cover to check even though their crap wasn’t flushing down!” said Jay, who promptly put it where it belonged.

Red is the color of romance and anger.

Red is the color of strawberries and raw meat.

Red is the color of wine that’s supposed to be good for you. According to those studies done on mice.

Red is the color of our new kitchen.

Red.

Jay builds things.

Things like this Rolling White Board On Wheels Affixed To Tracks He Built Affixed To His Office Wall.

It’s rad.

I am in awe of how his brain figures it out. I mean, the mathematical commutations of the measurements alone will give me a 48-hour headache. Evidently, his friends think he’s pretty cool too.

The Office put a giant “THANK YOU JAY!” in honor of his Jayness.

All hail the Jay! We are not worthy!

Overheard on Bus 39 going South on 3rd Ave. Two men are chatting, both look to be in construction.

First man: You live in a great location.

Second man: Yes, 5 minutes from church and 10 minutes from work. All I need is a Chinese restaurant and I’m set.