Hello.
I am 33 today.
Goodbye.
Monthly Archive for February, 2007
Page 2 of 2
It is perhaps appropriate that I ponder the existence of Kale on my last day as a 32-year-old.
After all, I’ve spent my lifetimeâ€â€since I could gurgleâ€â€avoiding this vegetation.
What is the Meaning of Kale?
Jay used to call it the Colon Cleanser. I simply call it the Colon Buster.
I don’t know if it does eitherâ€â€cleanse or bust, that is.
But I do know this. There is only (a) one way to cook Kale and (b) one way to eat Kale.
Are you ready?
(a) Long, longer, longerer.
(b) Quickly and with meat.
Kale could survive a nuclear fallout. It remains ominously dark green no matter how long it boils, steams, or nukes. To make it remotely palatable, your only recourse is to cook it long to soften it.
Kale tastes slightly better than wood chips, but not as good as paper. Hence, you need to eat it with meat. Because everything tastes better with animal fat.
Consider yourself schooled.
Now go, my child, and may the Root, the Stalk, and the Holey Leaf be with you.
It’s never too early…
…To give the gift of GIFT.
I give you…
…My Early Present Givers! (Dennis’ Too Cool Card; Heather, Ty, Roxie’s Hello Kitty Goodie Box; Jay’s Orchid Surprise!)
Let’s give them a hand!
Hand! Hand!
And on a totally random note, this was Jay’s message on the Orchid that he sent to the office. When I got home, I asked him how he thought of the message.
“Aw! Did you write that?” a beaming Dot says.
“No,” a sheepish Jay answers.
“What?!”
“When I was ordering online, there was a button on the bottom of the page that said, ‘Don’t know what to say? Click here!’ So I did. It was the first thing that came up. I thought it was fitting in a way, it captured your sense of humor…”
“Jay! You broke my heart!”
Later, I add, “I can’t imagine what the other options were.”
“I didn’t even look at the other options.”
Yah, right.
Welcome to the 363rd Day of the 32nd Year of my Life.
Okay. Smackdown, people. It’s Me or Jay.
American Idol Redux.
Enter your votes NOW.
Text i-love-d for Dot and i-love-j for Jay.
Winner gets to keep the glasses.
I admit, the Awesomely Awesome Hello Kitty band-aid is just a ploy to get you to read this post, which is really about an unsexy instrument known as the Leafblower.
See Exhibit A.
As you all know, I walk to work.
That means passing a lot of random people along the way.
Lately, I’ve been noticing the Leaf-Blowing Humanoid.
What I mean is, I’ve been noticing the Roaring Scream/Choking Fumes of the Leaf-Blowing Humanoid before I even see him.
Okay. Someone please tell me the purpose of the Leafblower. (Aside from scaring the shit out of pedestrians and smothering them in smog.)
As far as I can tell, the Leafblower blows leaves from one place to another place to join the OTHER leaves. The leaves never actually go anywhere.
It’s like organizing your dust into a pile. And leafing it there.
Watching Altar Boyz is the equivalent of Eating All The Sugar Frosting That You Find At The Bottom Of A Sweet Cereal Box.
If you never get a chance to catch this Broadway show, just take my word for it.
First, you feel a little guilty for even thinking about reaching for that sugar. Second, the sensation is somewhat pleasant while you lick your fingers clean. Lastly, there is a dull satisfaction of having spent an hour and a half eating sugar.
It was of little nutritional value and utterly useless in the whole scheme of my life, although no brain cells were killed in the process and it turned out surprisingly enjoyable.
All I have to do now is to figure out a way to package and sell Leftover Cereal Sugar on a Stick. I mean, isn’t “dull satisfaction” a sensation worth replicating?
In this depressing and self-destructing world, I’ll take all the satisfaction I can get.
Let me just gently suggest that ALL foods come in a mini-me size.
Why?
Let me explain.
Firstly, you get to eat more than one. Secondly, you get to eat more than one. Thirdly, you get to eat more than…well, do I really have to repeat myself?
It’s like eating like a heavyweight, but feeling like a featherweight.
GL and I were munching down on some minis tonight.
They went down easy. Way too easy.
Despite the fact that I had to roll myself out of the restaurant, the mini-burgers were a great illusion to a light meal. Minis are perfect for a diet-obsessed world, where portions mean everything.
Thing isâ€â€a lot of a little is often a lot more than a little.
But who’s counting?
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…
Turmoil has engulfed the Dokken Household. The duty of the cleaning of dirty dishes is in dispute.
Hoping to resolve the matter with a tub of Cascade, the lazy Dot has stopped all manual washing in the matter of the dirty dishes.
While the Congress of the Handwashing Republic endlessly debates the alarming laziness of Dot, the Supreme Dokken has secretly dispatched a Jedi Dishwasher, the guardian of cleanliness and sparkliness in the galaxy, to settle the conflict…
With apologies to George Lucas
SOMEONE got a new cap today!
SOMEONE is extremely pleased!
SOMEONE got really grouchy service at the Seattle Mariners Team Store!
Minimum wage is as motivating as digging trenches for no reason. [BMT, anyone?]
Mr Dour Salesman managed to say, “Can I help you?”, point out the 103 different kinds of caps, explain the sizes, ring up my order, and point out where the foam fingers wereâ€â€all without a smile.
I, on the other hand, was Ms Perky. I enquired politely about styles. I made small baseball talk. I smiled like the Joker (okay, maybe that freaked him out).
But whoever said to treat people the way you want to be treated, was wrong.
It assumes the other person got the Memo too.
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