Monthly Archive for December, 2005

I snore. Outrageously.

After a bison burger dinner in Denver, plus a bottle of Corona, the laws of Dot’s brain and physics therefore demand that she fall asleep on the plane.

Not just doze off, but be so tired that all I can remember is waking up when the plane bounced on the tarmac back in Seattle.

I dread to look at myself when I’m asleep on the plane. It’s one of those pieces of information that I think all humans would rather do without – such as, how tall you really are, what your back looks like, and what Bush’s news bulletins tell him about the state of the world.

I bet it’s not a pretty sight. I must be snoring; I must be drooling; I must be doing that awful head-bow-snap-back-up action repeatedly.

How does one sleep on the plane? Aside from the First Classers, who basically have one way of sleeping – comfortably and lying down, as God intended – economy travelers are cursed with 101 ways of getting shut-eye.

You know what I’m talking about. Everyone has a little ritual they swear by. Perhaps it’s that stinky pillow from childhood they hug, maybe it’s that $90 NASA designed down-filled pillow that wraps around your neck, or, it’s the old hand-propped head technique.

I don’t know what I did, but I apologize to everyone within snoring distance on flight 0837.

Everyone has an inner Muppet.

We hate to admit it, but all of us can be broken down into the sum (or whole) parts of these Jim Henson characters.

If The Muppet Show is new to some of you reading this (horrors!), I strongly urge you to pick up a DVD today. If not for psychological analysis, do it for the laughs.

For others in my generation, oh, the memories! Bring a tear to your eye by listening to the opening theme song again. Remember these crazies? Beaker, Sam the Eagle, the Swedish Chef, Animal, Gonzo and his chicken and of course Miss Piggy and Kermit? What about Piiiiigs Iiiiin Spaaaaace?

In this season of introspection, I cannot help but examine my personality and come to the conclusion that I have inner Muppets.

I am 50 percent Statler and Waldorf (the two old men sitting at the balcony throwing insults), 20 percent Beaker (he tries so hard to be understood), 20 percent Fozzie Bear (hamming it up but never getting the laughs), 9 percent Miss Piggy (for the Hello-Kitty-loving side of me) and 1 percent Animal (I love adventure, but not too much).

Forget Freud, Jung and your $100-an-hour therapist. Muppetology is all you need to make sense of You.

The Muppets were funny, flawed and frenetic about their little lives in that theater. They fumbled and fought, but the show always went on. They were human.

Our inner Muppets are being replaced by reality shows that swap houses, wives and what little intelligence is left; a visual world that embraces the easy (and pretty) explanation and an Internet culture that mutates reading and writing into exCelent grammer, yo

What’s your Muppet? Hold on to it.

And if you see a muppet wandering, I seem to have misplaced my inner Animal.

A garden gnome, with wicked construction skills, primarily to do with doors, moldings, trim and exterior paint.

That failing (I hear gnomes have been backordered on Walmart’s website), I have come up with an alternative list. Here it is, in no particular order, Dot’s Santa Doesn’t Care If You’re Good Or Bad List.

1. To go to the Museum of Modern Art to see the current Pixar exhibition
2. To eat a bowl of fishball noodles and yong tau foo in one meal
3. To watch Ethan teach Zachary say “Auntie Dot”
4. To gain superpower strength because, well, it’s cool to be a superhero
5. To find a way to put all fake-news programs on my iShuffle
6. A legal (read: Does not get Dot arrested) way to disable Mundos’ (frigging noisy club behind our house) sub-woofer system
7. The largest Polaroid camera collection in the world
8. People to question religion, and seriously, no one religion is any better, so get over it
9. Everyone finds true love, or at least a “very good” seven-A, triple ***, “authentic” replica type love
10. Peace and Goodwill to All Men, Women, Pets and Gnomes

I dedicate this list to the best Christmas Lister, after Monty Python, Dave Barry.

Life imitates art, doesn’t it?

That’s why there are die-hard fans out there who will celebrate Festivus this month. Festivus, introduced in a 1997 Seinfeld episode, was created by character George’s dad, Frank Costanza (seen here).

Legend has it that many Christmases ago, Costanza tried to buy the last doll at a store for his son George, but ended up fighting with a man and destroying the toy. He decided there had to be another kind of holiday.

I urge all anti-jingle, sick-of-Santa, please-stop-the-madness people to gather like-minded friends to celebrate Festivus. Just remember, if it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing right.

Fact 1: Celebrated on December 23

Fact 2: Ditch the tree, get an aluminium pole, no tinsel as it “distracts”, according to its creator Costanza (see pole at left)

Fact 3: During the Airing of Grievances, everyone has an opportunity to vent their hostilities towards each other at the dinner

Fact 4: Feats of Strength follows the Airing of Grievances, and the head of household tests his or her strength with friend or family. It is said that Festivus isn’t over until the head of household is wrestled and pinned to the ground

filibuster
n. The use of obstructionist tactics, especially prolonged speechmaking, for the purpose of delaying legislative action.

In an awesome “visual, performance, endurance art project” I saw last night at OlivoDoce called Filibuster, a man named Senator Buddy spoke for more than seven hours. Without stopping. [Footnote: I have since discovered that he didn't stop until 4 a.m. God bless this man. He was at it for 14 hours.]

You could ask him any question and he’d launch into a seamless tirade. No cue cards. Nothing. He talked and talked. Who Killed Tchaikovsky? Unicorns. What is the relationship between homonyms “legal” and “lee gal”? If you were a pirate and you needed a lawyer, the best ones were women found on the lee side of an island.

I didn’t have a chance to ask my question: Why are marshmallows sexy?